Saturday, May 22, 2010

Babies on the brain

I wear many hats in my life-- daughter, wife, friend, co-worker, boss... but the hat that I am desperate to wear is mother. You know, 10 minutes after you say, "I do", folks start asking you when you're gonna have a baby. Justin and I have been "trying" to have a baby for over a year. In October 2009, we knew things weren't quite right, so we sought assistance from an RE (reproductive endocrinologist). We found just one more thing where I took after my mom--fertility issues. We have gone through two "cycles" of fertility treatments, which include hormones by mouth and injection for me, countless ultrasounds and blood draws. In January, we decided we needed a "break". After our break, we meet with our RE and asked what was next. We decided to try an IUI (Inner-uterine Insemination) then move on to the more involved, more invasive, more EXPENSIVE IVF (In-vitro Fertilization). I had a test done that revealed that I don't have blockages or abnormalities in my uterus and fallopian tubes--very good news!! I am currently pumping myself full of hormones to stimulate my stubborn ovaries. Poor Justin--he certainly takes the brunt of my moods. I could cry, laugh and yell all at the same time. Ugh.

It's amazing just how bad you want someone and you have no real control over getting it. It's totally obnoxious when people say, "Oh just relax", "It will happen when it's supposed to". Listen, it's difficult to relax when whole life revolves around shots, ultrasounds, and appointments. And the time it's supposed to happen is NOW. It's funny, people say dumb stuff when you're trying to have a baby just like they do when you've experienced a loss. I know they are just trying to be nice and really don't know what to say. But just ask me about, tell me you don't understand. It's also so difficult to see women with bellies everywhere I turn and learning of other woman getting pregnant without really "trying". I recognize some jealousy in that and of course, I'm happy for all these women but damn its hard when you so desperately just want it to be your turn.

Maybe this cycle will be the "one"... all I can do is hope and pray that it is.

How did I get here...

I've been talking about writing a blog for a long time, so I guess there's no time like the present. I told my college friend, Michelle, that I was going to do this in my "spare time". HA! Just to warn anyone that decides to read this, it is sure to be random as hell, but maybe that's where the fun is! I'll probably write about life, religion, work, current events--anything goes. It also may be TMI at times. But, here goes nothing...